Overweight

This morning in bed James and I were looking at photos of various holidays and one of them was our wonderful holiday in Sicily three years ago. It was a very happy holiday and in the photos Ally and Davie look so young and sweet! A lot of the photos are of us in cafes in Taormina, lunching in Castelmola (the tiny village perched on the hill above Taormina), on the beach at Taormina Mare, climbing around on Etna and the island of Volcano, dangerously near fumaroles and craters (despite warning signs!), burning our bottoms on hot springs in the sea, and generally having a great time. And what struck me immediately was that there was a lot less of me only three years ago. In fact I look quite slim. And then we looked at photos of our short holiday in Sandwood Bay and Lochinver and Kylescu in July of this year. Another lovely holiday with great weather but what a difference in me. A roll of fat hanging over my trousers, chubby arms, big tummy. This is especially galling because I have always been lucky enough to be a naturally slim person, so I suspect that I can only blame myself for my current shape. I always had a really slim waist and a flat tummy - I miss them! I think it's all down to my truly dreadful eating habits. I eat all the time, even when I'm not hungry, in fact even when I feel full. I don't know why I do it, I suspect that it may be linked to anxiety. It's not because I'm bored because when I'm busy, for example writing reports, I will line up a cup of coffee and some snacks and graze at them while I am working. If I am watching a film it doesn't seem a complete experience without munching my way through a huge bag of pretzels and quaffing several glasses of fizzy juice. Ah, fizzy juice! My replacement for alcohol. When I stopped drinking alcohol nearly two years ago I didn't like drinking mineral water (not jolly enough) or orange juice (too acidic). I found out that I love raspberry flavoured drinks and drinking some sort of fizzy raspberry drink out of a wine glass provided an acceptable alternative to a glass of wine. However a typical 1 litre bottle of fizz has about 500 calories - and I drink at least a bottle every evening. I also don't take enough exercise. I have plenty of excuses of course. I have a big, busy job, I am always tired, and I don't know when I would fit any exercise in amid all the time I spend eating! (joke) But of course, lots of busy people find time to exercise, so I have no real excuse.
I do sometimes wonder if my eating is almost like a form of self harm. In one of my favourite books, "Woman of the Inner Sea" by Thomas Keneally, the main character deliberately stuffs herself with unhealthy food as a sort of punishment for something she thinks she has done. Or maybe I'm just greedy, but it's strange that I keep eating even when I feel bloated and a bit nauseous.
So what am I going to do about this? There's no use in making empty promises, I have to actually do something, and I think that it will be an ongoing struggle.